112 of the Best of the Worst Christmas Cracker Jokes 2022

Are you ready for the very best of the worst Christmas cracker jokes of 2022? Well belt up, you're in for a bumpy ride!

Christmas Cracker jokes are one of those rare things in this world. The worse they are the better they are. There's nothing else that can make the festive feast more enjoyable than a slew of really bad Christmas Cracker jokes.

Luckily we have been collecting them all year so you don't have to go any further for a sack full of bad cracker jokes. You will need a drink!

1. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

2. "How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."

3. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

4. A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

5. Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?

A: The collie wobbles!

6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

7. Why does Kate Bush need to turn the heating off? Because she's running up that bill.

8. I was hospitalised due to a peekaboo incident- Now I'm in ICU

9. My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I think this could spell disaster.

10. I've decided to retrain as a bookkeeper. It's not as difficult as you think I just don't return them to the library.

11. Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion. They said he'll be given a tough sentence.

12. Dad: What's the lion and the witch doing in your wardrobe?Son: It's Narnia business.

13. Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

14. Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha.

15. Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out!

16. How do you throw a space party? You planet!

17. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?An abdominal snowman!

18. Did you hear the joke about experiencing déjà vu? Did you hear the joke about experiencing déjà vu?

19. My son’s fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn’t recognize him at first. I had never seen him be four.

20. How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

21. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

22. Did you hear about the surgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects? He did one on the fly.

23. When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

24. Did you know Albert Einstein had a brother called Frank?Apparently, he was a real monster!

25. When I was a kid you used to be able to get a bag of 50 balloons for 99p. Now the only ones I seem to find are the helium-filled ones at about a fiver each....That's inflation for you.

26. What's green and not very heavy?Light green.

27. It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in that song green. That would’ve been sublime.

28. I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people’s heads.

30. We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

31. What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.

32. Just paid £200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! What a huge waist!

33. Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It is just a light sentence.

34. One for the grandchildren...What is the scariest tree? BamBOO!

35. People are usually shocked when they find out… I’m a bad electrician.

36. I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.

37. If sweet dreams are made of cheese…Who am I to dis-a-brie?

38. What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit?Fanta Claus

39. Why does Sherlock Holmes love Mexican restaurants? They give him good case ideas.

40. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

41. I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back

42. Did you know my attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock!

43. I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get Pasta.

44. An ironing board is just a surfboard that gave up on it’s dreams and got a real job!

45. “I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.” “What on earth do you need an elephant for?” “I don’t. I just need the money.”

47. “My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.” “He’s an athlete?” “No—an architect.”

48. A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

50. "Picasso was burgled and did a drawing of the robbers. Police arrested a horse and two sardines."

51. A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?” “Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

52. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?...

53. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?He won the “no-bell” prize.

54. It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.

55. "What do a mosquito and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."

56. I changed my password to beef stew but apparently it just wasn't stroganoff!

57. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?Because he was a little horse.

58. A mum texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

59. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

60. Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"Student: "HIJKLMNO."Teacher: "What are you talking about?"Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

61. Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

62. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?They always take things literally.

63. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

64. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?Why?Because they’re so good at it.

65. A guy asks a lawyer about his fees. “I charge £75 for three questions,” the lawyer says.“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks.“Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”

66. Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

67. Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

68. I was in Tesco and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

69. Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle? Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.

70. A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks, examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

71. An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: “you mathematicians don’t know your limits.”

72. Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates? A: Aware wolf.

73. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

74. "I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight."

75. Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV? Too much sax and violins.

76. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

77. My favourite pub game is snooker. Any game whose rules basically amount to finding a table covered in mess and slowly and methodically putting it all away out of sight is one with which I can empathise emphatically.

78. Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

79. A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.

80. I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.

81. A man takes his trusted rare breed dog to the dog show. The judge commented, 'This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what he would fetch if he was in top condition?''Sticks' the man replied.

82. Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

83. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

84. I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

84. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

86. I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

87. Bus driver; Are you going to Clapham? Passenger; It all depends on how good they are.

88. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

89. Silence is golden. Unless you have kids Then silence is suspicious.

90. Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables? Because they’ve found their inner peas.

91. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

92. What’s orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot.

93. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

94. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.

95. The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

96. I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.

97. Why don’t ants ever get sick?Because they have little anty bodies.

98. I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

99. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during a root canal?His goal: transcend dental medication.

100. Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which the other replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

101. A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

102. There are three types of people in the world:Those who can count and those who can’t.

103. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

104. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

105. What does a nosy pepper do?Gets jalapeño business!

106. A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …

107. What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?A cat has claws at the end of its paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

108. What’s Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

109. I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.

110. The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.

111. My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.

112. Now that the clocks have gone back, I've put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music...Is this the winter of my disco tent?

If you made it this far then well 10 out of 10 for resilience, have another mince pie to celebrate!

We would love to hear your favourite cracker joke in the comments section below.

Meanwhile, Happy Christmas from all at Springchicken!

Christmas with Cliff 2022 CD

Sir Cliff Richard, the only artist ever to score a top 5 album in 8 consecutive decades returns with his first dedicated Christmas album in 19 years. 'Christmas with Cliff' features 10 recordings of Christmas classics and 3 new Christmas songs.

Christmas with Cliff 2022 CD

Sir Cliff Richard, the only artist ever to score a top 5 album in 8 consecutive decades returns with his first dedicated Christmas album in 19 years. 'Christmas with Cliff' features 10 recordings of Christmas classics and 3 new Christmas songs.

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